Current location:	US, Colorado Springs, Co
Current mood:	tired
Current music:	outta my way, I'm running. I'm gonna catch you if I can
Entry tags:	detective conan, magic kaito

[Detective Conan/Magic Kaito] Batty
Title: Batty
Author: Icka! M. Chif
Word Count: 1,559
Rating: Adult
Warnings: CRACKITY CRACK CRACK CRACK WITH A SIDE OF CRACK. And hints of smut.
Author Notes: I don't know what this is, where it came from, but I'm blaming Wren.
Summary: “I swear, there’s something in the water here to turn everyone –weird-.”

---

Kudo Shin’ichi, wealthy millionaire and monogamous playboy, was a person whose life had been irrevocably changed forever after the death of his parents in front of his eyes by a random street thug as a child after they had gone to see a Gomera movie together.

It had scarred him in many deep and psychological ways. Ways that made him want to get revenge on the mysterious person who had killed his parents. Ways that were outside the means of the current political justice system.

After much dramatic thought and contemplation, he decided that he needed a symbol. Something that would strike fear and terror into the hearts of evil doers everywhere, for evil doers are a cowardly and superstitious lot.

Which was the moment that a bat flew in through the window, nearly striking him in the face before flying off into the high ceilings of the Kudo Family Manor.

”That’s it!” He declared cheerfully, rising from his expensive overstuffed chair. “I shall become… A Bat!”

”No.” Said a dry voice behind him. He turned to find a small blond girl glaring at him. It was Ai, the family butler for generations.

”No?”

”No.” She repeated firmly again. “Yaiba’s already got the rights on ‘Bat Guy’, it’s no fair re-using the joke in another series. Especially when some people can’t be bothered to branch out into the older series.”

Shin’ichi sank back down in his chair, sulking. “Well, all right then. I’ll have to think of something else.”

Ai nodded in agreement before wandering off to dust the deep dark labyrinth of caverns under the Manor that would make a perfect secret lair place for any up-and-coming non super-powered superheros. “You do that.”

+++

Kudo Shin’ichi, wealthy millionaire and monogamous playboy, struck fear and terror into the Beika City criminal element wherever he went, with his glaring eyes, pouty lips, perfectly pressed suit and pointy finger of doom.

That is, fear and terror into the hearts of all the criminal element of every criminal in the city except for the dreaded Phantom Thief, the Kaitou Kat.

… Whom everyone thought was a bit nutters anyway. Who the heck dressed up like a cat anyway? Wearing goggles and a lycra catsuit that left little to none to the imagination, no less.

The monocle didn’t make much sense either.

”Give it up, Kat!” Shin’ichi declared, pointing his pointy finger of doom at the lounging thief on the top of one of Beika City’s many dark secluded rooftops. “I know you have the Star of India!”

”Maybe.” Kat shrugged, apparently bored with the conversation. “But you’re never going to find it on me.”

That much was true. There was a reason why spandex is a privilege and not a right. It showed off –everything-.

”A temporary distraction.” Shin’ichi returned hotly. He was not going to let the Kaitou Kat outsmart him this time. Everyone knew that the Kat was stealing gems, but he was too darn tricky to actually be –caught- stealing anything at all.

”No.” Kat turned around to show off the back of his clinging suit. “This is.” Kat smirked over his shoulder at Shin’ichi. “-I got a new toy.”

”… Your… ah… Tail is much lower than usual.” Shin’ichi managed to say, squeaking a lot more than he would have liked and a lot less than someone lese might have under the circumstances.

”Yup.” Kat wiggled his hips a little bit in a shimmy. “It’s motorised.”

”Ah.” Shin’ichi squeaked, his throat suddenly lacking in moisture. The tail moved, the tip flicking at him. “I see.” Motorised buttplug. That was new.

Kat arched his back, showing off the line of his spine, from the solid strong line of his shoulders to the narrow curve of his hips, down to the spread muscled legs. “Wanna play?”

Shin’ichi swallowed and surrendered to the enviable rooftop encounter.

… It was times like these when it was a good thing he was a serial monogamous.

+++

”Is everyone around me crazy?” Shin’ichi wondered outloud to himself as he looked upon the scared face of one his best friends.

Heiji shrugged one white clad shoulder. The other shoulder, the one on his unscarred side was clad in black. “Depends on your definition of crazy, I suppose.”

”Fuck.”

Heiji flipped the two sided coin he now carried with him everywhere. He caught it in mid-air and slapped it onto the back of his unscarred hand. “The coin says ‘No’.”

”….”

”I could always retry.” Heiji offered, almost hopefully. “Best two out of three?”

”Thanks anyway.”

+++

”I just realised something.” Hakuba said, randomly appearing in the library of the Kudo Manor.

”Oh?” Shin’ichi looked up from the book he was reading. He’d decided to give up attempting to determine how people found their way into his heavily secured house after the fourth time Kat surprised him with a ‘treat’ in bed. Fortunately, unlike real cats, Kat didn’t leave half-eaten mice for him to find in the middle of the night.

”My father is the Commissioner.” Hakuba said, his forehead wrinkled in thought. “Doesn’t that mean I should be next in joining you in the costume brigade?”

”God I hope not.” Shin’ichi muttered to himself. He’d managed to avoid it thus far.

”Good.” Hakuba nodded. “I’d look dreadful in yellow high-heels.”

And with that, the blond detective wandered back out again.

+++

”Oh, no.” Shin’ichi stared in mortification and not a little bit of horror at his other best friend. “It got to you too.”

Ran looked up from the broad leafy plant she was petting. The broad leafy plant with the large bulbous head that split in half like a huge carnivorous mouth, complete with massive spiky teeth. And tongue. Looong flexible tongue.

”What did, Shin’ichi?” She asked sweetly. Shin’ichi vaguely noted that her new bodysuit appeared to be growing out of her green-hued skin. It was a good look on her. Very flattering.

”Nothing.” He said quickly, dragging his eyes back up to her blue eyes with their new emerald tint. “Absolutely nothing.”

Ran pouted, turning her attention back to the plan. “I think he’s lying, Seymour. What do you think?”

The plant rustled in return, Ran nodding attentively as if the plant could talk and she could understand it. Shin’ichi swallowed.

”I think you’re right, Seymour. Do you think Audrey would like to help too?”

’Seymour’ appeared to like this idea. So did Seymour’s twin, Audrey, who grabbed Shin’ichi from behind and strung him up in mid-air by expediently wrapping tentacles around his limbs. It would have almost been comfortable, if not for the sheer freak-out factor of finding his childhood friend suddenly green and talking to plants.

”Shin’ichi’s been a very naughty boy.” Ran confided in Audrey. “Always playing with that Kitty on the rooftops. What do you think? Think Kat would like to play with us after we play with Shin’ichi a bit?”

Shin’ichi swallowed. He was in soooooooo much trouble.

+++

As it turned out, very enjoyable trouble.

Kat enjoyed playing as well.

… Although he wasn’t quite sure if it was still ‘monogamous’ if it was a ménages à trios.

+++

-Vines weren’t half bad either, as long as they didn’t have any thorns.

+++

”No.”

”-But-“

”No.”

”But Batman needs a Robin!”

”I do not need a little boy following me around in little green shorts!” Shin’ichi finally snapped. “It sends COMPLETELY the wrong message!”

”Fine.” Mitsuhiko sulked, storming off and taking his little green shorts with him.

”… I’m beginning to think it really is contagious.” Shin’ichi muttered to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose.

+++

Shin’ichi stared in horror at the man with the long silver hair infront of him, who was laughing manically. “You…”

”Yes!” Gin cackled, waving his guns in Shin’ichi direction, his clown make-up smeared and starting to drip off his face. “I was the one to kill your parents all those years ago!”

”… I was going to say that with those mouth scars you look like ‘Ichi the Killer’.” Shin’ichi said, frowning slightly. “Have you seen that movie?”

”Honestly, I can’t remember.” Gin shrugged. “I never remember the name of a movie I’ve seen.”

”Fair enough.”

+++

”Mr. G!”

Shin’ichi was rather surprised to see Gin spin around, a brief look of horror on his face. “Congratulations!” He hissed. “You shall live to die another day.”

With a insane laugh, Gin vanished off into the distance, laughter fading in Shin’ichi’s ears.

”… Wonder what that was all about.” Shin’ichi muttered to himself. “I swear, there’s something in the water here to turn everyone –weird-.”

”Mr. G~!” The thump of someone landing behind him made him turn around with the vague sense of impending doom.

Vodka peered down at him through a pair of dark sunglasses. “Have you seen my Puddin’?” He demanded.

Shin’ichi’s jaw moved, but he couldn’t get any sound out. Vodka’s square frame was covered in a bright red and black spandex suit decorated with diamonds over it. A tight jester’s hood, with bells on the ends of the two long ‘ears’ completed the look.

He ended up pointing in the general direction that Gin had gone. Vodka let out a girlish giggle and bounced off the direction Gin had gone.

Shin’ichi leaned heavily against the wall. “I’ve really got to get out of this town.”

-fin- (I hope)