InsaneJournal

Tweak says, " i like chocolate milk"

Icka! M. Chif (mischif) wrote,
@ 2009-01-16 00:15:00

Current mood:	amused
Current music:	Make me pay for my crime another way, punish me with kisses
Entry tags:	detective conan, magic kaito

[Detective Conan/Magic Kaito] Fuck or Die
Title: Fuck or Die
Author: Icka! M. Chif
Word Count: 552
Rating: Teen
Warnings: For discussion on various forms of torture. And some swearing.
Author Notes: Around Christmas, Sekitx2 posted images of the new calendars for Bleach, Prince of Tennis and Detective Conan. Heiji's wearing a pink polo shirt on the May/June image that the comment was quickly made is NOT his colour and looks like it came out of Saguru's closet.
Which then brought up the question of why was Heiji wearing Saguru's clothing. We swore to fic it and call it 'HaHa', short for 'Hattori/Hakuba' or vice versa. Sadly, they decided they were not going to co-operate in any shape or form, and this was the result.
Summary: "Death, please."

“Death please.”

Their captor looked at Heiji as if he hadn’t heard the answer correctly. So Heiji clarified for him. “Y’said the choice was ‘fuck or death’. I ain’t fuckin’ -him-, and I certainly ain’t getting’ fucked -by- him, so death.”

His fellow captive sniffed, but didn’t disagree.

”… Seriously?” Their captor said, sounding like he was starting to wonder about their mental capabilities.

”Yes.” Heiji said briskly. “If the choice was with Kazuha or Kudo, no questions. ‘Neechan, maybe. Depends on how much Kudo’d kill me afterwards. Hell, even the Kaitou Kid be okay. This guy? Nah-uh. No way.”

“As much as it pains me to say it, I completely concur. With him.” Hakuba looked like he couldn’t believe that the words had come out of his mouth. Heiji almost couldn’t believe it either. They almost -never- agreed on anything.

Hakuba shrugged. “If we are going to do this, can you get it over with quickly? I would rather not spend any more time than necessary in -his- company. No offense, Hattori.”

”None taken.” Heiji agreed before turning his attention back to their voyeuristic captor. “So what’s it gonna be? Gun? Knife? Strangulation? Broken neck supposed ta be rather quick and painless. But I ain’t takin’ poison fer him.” Rather too Romeo and Juliet-ish.

”You’re nuts.” Their captor backed up a step, his face going pale, eyes wide.

”I have been called worse.” Hakuba said analytically. Heiji snickered. By Heiji, not even a half an hour ago even.

”Whatta ‘bout ya?” Heiji inquired cheerfully. ”Gotta preferred method of execution?”

The blond detective thought about it. ”I would take poison over asphyxiation.” Hakuba finally concluded. “Roasting or freezing I would prefer to avoid, they appear to be rather slow and dragged out.”

”Yeah.” Heiji agreed. “Fast would be better. Good hangman’s noose?”

”With a large knot, yes.” Hakuba granted. Better to have the drop suddenly snap the neck than to slowly suffocate from the glorified slipknot. “There is always the French way, the Guillotine.”

”Better than drownin’.” Heiji nodded.

”Tell me, have you ever heard of a ‘Blood-Eagle?” Hakuba inquired pleasantly. “Nasty Viking Execution.”

Heiji shook his head. ”Not off the top of my head.” He concluded. “Is that like Drawn and Quartered?”

”No, the executioner would cut the ribs close to the spine and pull the lungs out in a manner that resembled wings.” Hakuba said amiably. “They’d sprinkle salt on the lungs to help them dehydrate in the sunlight. Eventually the lungs would dry out and collapse, killing the victim. A few Kings were killed this way.”

”Oooh…” Heiji grimaced. “Whatta ‘bout ‘The Five Pains’?”

”I am afraid I don’t know that one.”

”Chinese form of Execution. First the nose is cut off, then a hand and a foot.” Heiji described cheerfully. “Then they’re castrated and cut in half at the waist. The guy who invented it was killed like that.”

Neither of them noticed when their captor slunk away.

”Fascinating.” Hakuba said brightly. “What about the ‘Brazen’ or ‘Sicilian’ Bull?”

”Isn’t that the Greek one where they roast people alive inside a large brass bull?”

”Precisely.”

They were still debating the best, or most gruesome, form of death when their rescuers arrived. And by that time, they’d both long forgotten what started the conversation in the first place.

-fin-

Tweak says, "kissy kissy"

(Post a new comment)

	natt_barn 2009-01-16 06:37 am UTC (link)
	They can't even talk about their own violent deaths without trying to one-up each other. XD Sooo... what if someone elses life was on the line? (Reply to this)

	ladynero 2009-01-16 07:45 am UTC (link)
	snickers Something their captor never thought about them is that they would be willing to take death over screwing each other. And then casually inquire about their demise before offering helful suggestions. Very nice. giggles (Reply to this)

	I have nothing really to add to this but... (Anonymous) 2009-01-16 09:56 pm UTC (link)
	Because of you (PYP), all for of my DC/MK boys get along like bickering brothers, so I can SO SEE THIS. Also, this is what flew through my head when I read the first line: Saguru: CAKE OR DEATH? Heiji: Death, please. Cake, I mean cake! Saguru: Ahaha! You said death first! Heiji: Well, I meant cake! Saguru: Well all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: I have nothing really to add to this but... (Anonymous) 2009-01-16 09:57 pm UTC (link)
	And uh, that's me. forgot to sign -- Gracie (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Re: I have nothing really to add to this but... kiritsu 2009-01-16 11:54 pm UTC (link)
	...I couldn't help it, it had to be finished... Saguru: YOU! CAKE OR DEATH? Shinichi: Cake, please. Saguru: Well, we're outta cake. We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush. Shinichi: Then my choice is 'or death'? I'll have the chicken then. Saguru: Taste of human, sir. Thank you for flying Church of England, Cake or Death? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: I have nothing really to add to this but...

(Anonymous)
2009-01-17 07:26 pm UTC (link)

Dear God, that's classic. Hattori and Hakuba always try to get the better of one another. You can't seem to get them to settle for five seconds. XD

Saguru: Cake or death, then?
Kaito: Is the cake one of those weird cakes at American parties that have strippers in them?
Saguru: ...-No-, Kuroba-kun.
Kaito: Oh, thank God.
Saguru: ...
Kaito: ...
Saguru: ...
Kaito: Can we put you in it?
Saguru: I'll give you a hint. It begins with the kana 'i', ends with the kana 'e'.
Kaito: I have to say, I'm stuck on that one. Does the answer involve putting you into the cake?
Shin'ichi: Oh, good God, just kill him already.
Heiji: Seconded.
Saguru: The answer was 'iie'.
Kaito: 'Yeah'? You mean, like English 'yes'?
Saguru: Oh, for Pete's sake-!

--- Umiyuri Papaeyra

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: I have nothing really to add to this but... joisbishmyoga 2009-01-17 07:46 pm UTC (link)
	I just pictured Saguru getting put into the damn cake, but refusing to dance. Which led to Saguru getting tied up and plonked into the cake for safekeeping during a heist. I don't want to know why there was a stripper cake at a heist, but I suspect Kid. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: I have nothing really to add to this but... kiritsu 2009-01-18 12:03 am UTC (link)
	So Kid brings a stripper cake. Saguru goes missing at some point during the heist. Kid leaves the cake behind. The Task Force wonder about it, open it up, and find the tied up Saguru. Random Task Force Member: How did you get in there? Saguru: Kid put me in here. RTFM: Why? Saguru: Don't ask. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	To make things worse: mischif 2009-01-18 12:37 am UTC (link)
	One of Kaito's Humorscopes for the day: Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Gimmie bonus points

joisbishmyoga
2009-01-18 05:15 am UTC (link)

Sometimes Saguru wished the Task Force had never been wrestled into that stationwide sensitivity course. Not because they hadn't needed it -- good lord, how they had. Considering that they had to coordinate with Interpol, civic services, live national television, and worst of all, the extremely rich and powerful people Kid targeted. Toes got stepped on a lot. Often in front of a running camera and plastic-faced reporter.

The course had actually done some good, once it came out that under British law, Saguru had reached his majority upon his most recent birthday, some few weeks ago. Though he still got some funny looks from new members, his expertise, demeanor, and years of experience working with the force had finally seemed to combine with the fact that he wasn't a minor in his home country.

The perceptible warming of relations with his co-workers had been somewhat startling. He'd rather thought it was more the Caucasian cast to his features, and his admittedly stiff and reserved nature, keeping him on the fringe of the Force. But it seemed some small fraction of the problem had been his youth.

It explained a lot about Edogawa, really.

Lucky brat.

Saguru sighed into his gag, and wished once again that the Force had never undergone sensitivity training. If they hadn't, he wouldn't have finally started being percieved as an adult. If he hadn't been percieved as an adult, the Force would've banned him from this heist just as they had Edogawa. If the Force had banned him from this heist, he would've never, ever, EVER had to smile politely and make business conversation with a man who ran entirely too many strip clubs and... ahem... enjoyed the fruits of his labor particularly on his birthday.

If he hadn't met the industry owner, he would've never known how detailed Kid's crossdressing could be. Nor had the entirety of that detail spooled in wide swathes of feathers, sequins, and rubber about his ankles. Though Kid thankfully was still wearing the panties under his Saguru costume, because Saguru really hadn't needed to see quite that much detail about Kid's body thank you very much.

Damn Kid for wearing bright red sequined panties under a Saguru costume.

Though at least without all those layers, Saguru wasn't going to develop heat stroke in this damn sweltering cake.

... they didn't bake these things, right?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Gimmie bonus points marsdejahthoris 2009-01-18 11:41 am UTC (link)
	Madam, you are evil, and I believe I am in love with you... (Reply to this) (Parent)

	FIVE GAGILLION BONUS POINTS TO JO. mischif 2009-01-18 12:45 pm UTC (link)
	YOU WIN THE INTERWEBS!!! \O/ (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Re: Gimmie bonus points (Anonymous) 2009-01-19 11:50 am UTC (link)
	Thank you. Thank you very much. Much loves. Oh, did Icka/Mischif get my FFDN PM? (so many letters...) ---Umiyuri Papaeyra (Reply to this) (Parent)

Re: I have nothing really to add to this but...

kittyshinju
2009-01-19 08:19 am UTC (link)

Over a discussion of this with Kiritsu yesterday I somehow ended of combining fandoms and thus Dementer Bob is asking Conan Cake or Death... Of course rather than speaking normally like he would to other people he's using his gravely dementer voice...
However I'm not certain if Conan's answer is Cake or if he would use the answer or Death so long as it's not mine and I don't have the clean up after the murder... or solve the crime for that matter.
Or maybe he's the one who says Death first and then Cake.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: I have nothing really to add to this but...

joisbishmyoga
2009-02-16 09:44 am UTC (link)

Conan's fingers brushed comfortingly over his watch as the beverage cart slowly approached him, blocking his view of the nearest passengers. It unnerved him. Somebody on this plane was Kaitou Kid, and the one person he'd cut from the suspect list -- aside from himself and pretty much everyone else under age ten on the flight -- was the stewardess manning the cart.

She looked entirely too much like Hakuba Saguru for it to be Kid in disguise. Kid wasn't that stupid.

The beverage cart boxed Conan into his seat. "Thank you for flying Church of England."

It took a full second for Conan to make sense of the English being spoken sweetly at him. Then he blinked, head jerking up to meet the stewardess' laughing eyes. "Cake or death?"

Wait, what? "Death?" Conan echoed in shock. Kaitou Kid-- it had to be Kaitou Kid, that little bastard, and it looked like he WAS stupid enough to... to... Why the hell was he dressed like Hakuba in drag anyway?

Kid grinned wolfishly, and opened his mouth to make what would no doubt be a cutting reply... when someone near the front of the plane screamed.

Both their heads whipped around. An instant later, Conan leapt over the seat in front of him, barely noticing Kid's helpful pull, and they both went pounding up the aisle.

"I meant to choose 'cake'," Conan muttered. Let Kid make of that what he would.

Damn Monty Python anyway.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: I have nothing really to add to this but... joisbishmyoga 2009-02-16 09:47 am UTC (link)
	As, of course, I COMPLETELY mess that up. Arrgh. Teach me to check my references before making jokes. It's "Damn Eddie Izzard anyway." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: I have nothing really to add to this but... (Anonymous) 2009-03-14 07:34 pm UTC (link)
	Further awesome! You're all so good at this... All I can do is serious crackfic. Holy poopenhauer. - Umiyuri Papaeyra (Reply to this) (Parent)

	morgan_idril 2009-01-17 02:24 am UTC (link)
	NOw why am I not surprised that those two would do this to some poor slob who thought he could pull a fast one. Too bad he chose these guys, and the fact that they couldn't remember how the convo started when rescued made me giggle even harder. (Reply to this)

	bookworm-faith.livejournal.com 2009-01-18 01:24 am UTC (link)
	dies laughing Its like a much nastier version of the medic "I saw a nastier case than you did today". I think I feel horribly sorry for the villain! (Reply to this)

fyliwion
2009-01-18 03:04 am UTC (link)

For the record...

One should under no circumstances what soever read this JUST as they crawled in bed to go to sleep....

-.-

I suppose theres no one to blame but myself on that account... but what ever XD Needless to say I apparently won't be sleeping anytime soon-

In other news: The fic was awesome and made me crack up massively. Especially since I agree whole heartedly XD (Theres a few of those pairings where you just go... nope... not happening XP *snickers* The Brit and the barbarian is kinda fetching tho donchya think? ((ya know... given that's basically what Hakuba called him? Or savage... whatever it was XD))

'nyway yesh made me crack up massively ^^

(Reply to this)

	ytak 2009-01-18 08:47 pm UTC (link)
	laughs and head meets desk I love how they don't even think about the choices. And I find it hilarious as they compare the ways to be killed. I'd forgotten about some of those deaths. (Reply to this)